Trying to find Mr Big

Confessions, as they are, are masala-filled, long and lengthy. They run a whole night when girls sit together. This is as short as mine can be. Don't even think about saying, "Why. So. Spoony?"

Most times in life, I get into a quagmire trying to understand who the right Mr.Big is. It all started 5 years ago and I feel like it's just ending because I am either running away from everything or taking great control of my life.

My best friend in junior college, in India (let's call him X) had a crush on someone else, while I was head over heels in 'love' with him. We did all the teenagery stuff - hours on the phone, got warnings from each other's parents, telephone-booth calls and what-not. I moved to the US for my undergrad and decided to get over him, since he was stuck on his crush and I was on the verge of naming it 'platonic'. The distance helped a great deal.

In the one year I was trying to get over him, I made another great friend (let's call him Y). In the US were all away from home, all finding comfort in relating to each other and our South-Asian ways. Y had just broken off with another girl back home, so he was rebounding and started seeing a mutual friend. It was then that I realized I could be 'jealous'. It was déjà vu - seeing X and his crush and now - Y and his girlfriend.

I just wanted to run away from everything, the usual questioning 'why me? why always?'. I cut myself off from everyone for a while, and learned later that Y broke up with his girlfriend (two or three times), and he was finally done and much tormented because of something bad she said while ending it all. He apologized to me for not keeping in touch and taking me for granted so I was around happily inflicting myself while he was rebounding (again!).

That was end of year one at the university.

Then came summer, and I got back home and I was relieved to find myself talking at lengths, to X about Y. I just couldn't stop. It was comforting to know I managed to put my untold history with X, behind me.

I got back to the university and realized the rebounding was (obviously) false happiness I was indulging in, and back to sailing the boats of unrequited love, I maintained my distance from Y. He was caught up in the backwaters of the previous badly-ended relationship.

Then came winter.

Y and I started going out. Tada! (guess the time off didn't do much for me)
Now this relationship lasted a year and a half. With 3 months of his boyfriend-weirdness (you know defensive walls, intimacy issues, what not). 2 break-ups and make-ups. 6 months of long distance. 4 months of grey-area (friends with benefits?!). Lots of great sex too, did I mention? I wonder how much of that means love though.

Oh the cherry on the cake - a 'proposal' from X. I told the X about the sex (he asked) and I think he freaked out about how far I went with Y and confessed. How it happened - In the 6 months of long distance, there was a summer when X was in a foreign land doing an internship, we resumed our hours of phone calls (this time long distance) and X discovered a whole range of hormonal imbalances dedicated to me and only me. Such is the irony of my life. That when I couldn't feel for him he got into the 'I want a girl now' mode. Boys, at this time of their lives, are like European trains with automatic doors that shut and never open once you miss them.Life does seem like a set of chances and opportunities that you sooo have to grab at the right time.

I was too scared to do anything long distance considering how much I still loved X's and my platonic love. If I did end up meeting him any time soon, I didn't want the non-existence of chemistry to hamper our intimacy or our unique telepathic tendencies. Over all that, I was already in much 'lurve' with Y. (lurve and not love, because it was just that twisted). Y had all sorts of commitment issues. What we had, was as casual to him as it was serious to me. He also confessed he had promiscuous addictions. That was the last straw.

After hurting X a great deal with my 'no' and wanting happiness at the same time, I broke it off with Y.

Remember Irony. Yes, it showed up in my life again.

X met a great girl through a common friend and they had that soul-mate-ish instant-chai type connection.One week after I broke up.

It's been 8 months now, since X has been happy and haughty. I finally decided to act on my "I don't want to be hung up on some stupid boy" resolution. (I stopped talking to Y recently.)

I am going to meet X in Europe this winter. He was always my best travel buddy. I have moved on but I am still totally denying my self-destructive tendencies.