Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Can't you see the excitement dripping all over my face? (A confession to the OK)

I'm standing out side the office building whiling away the 15-minutes of break time. Standing in front of me, a little too close for comfort, is the office Overgrown Kid.

OK (snicker, snicker): Why are you still renting that thing you call your house? It's minuscule! How much are you paying for it anyway?
Sake: Get to the point, OK.
OK: I mean, for about a grand more you get a proper house, instead of that coop you call your house.
Sake: I don't need a change, OK.
OK: I'm serious.
Sake: So am I.
OK: I told Princess (his wife) I'm going out on a date... with a girl.

Sake's just discovered her old sneakers are wearing out. Hmmmm, it's time to get new ones. Shit, one more expense.

Sake: Umm, yeah.
OK: Princess asked me if I was going out with a 60-year old because it's too hard to imagine me with, you know... a young girl.

Did you know my hair colour looks different in varied lights? Moonlight makes it look a deep burgundy. Hmmmm, interesting.

Sake: Alright.
OK: I told her I was going out with a young, pretty girl and we're going to a lounge and...Sake wakes up from her reverie: It isn't a lounge. It's an intimate little pub.

OK: What? So, yeah, I told her we'll go to this lounge and get drunk and look into each others eyes and dance REAL close, like, this close...

OK inches closer to Sake. Sake instinctively backs off by about 2 feet. Smooooooth, Sir Grope-A-Lot.

OK: ...and then I told her that we'll get real drunk and she just laughed in my face when i told her I was going out with you. See, how she trusts me?

Sake's eyes hurt from all that rolling. There's a half-smoked cigarette on the ground. She wonders if he'd notice if she picked it up. She overcomes that longing and thinks about tomorrow. Tomorrow is salary day, YAY!

Yeah, she told him she'd go out with him to the new TC this Saturday. She doesn't have the heart to tell him that she kaato'd a chutiya out of him.

P.S. Anyone who's contemplating handing her soap water for a little bit of mouth-cleansing, kiss her ass.

And f**k you, too.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Confessions of my childhood!

Nowadays when I pray out to the master of universe with that long list of my unfulfilled dreams and unattended requests which have'nt been answered for a long time, I recall my first written correspondence with my lord and I really don't have the courage to confess it before my mom till date.

Today, I take the courage of confessing the same with a hope of making the readers smile amidst their hectic schedules and stressful life.

It happened a day before when I was about to complete 9 years on 3rd of June, 1984 AD. I knew it was high time that I should remind my mom that I have been asking for a bike this birthday and she should make sure that I get my birthday gift. I rushed to the kitchen where mom was pampering the dough with her caring fingers and I reminded her of my heartly desire.

She smiled and said "Anu, I think you should ask God for your birthday gift and if you really have been a good boy throughout the last year, I am sure Lord Jesus will surely bless you with your heartly desire."

I went up the room and thought of corresponding to my creator. I lit the study lamp and excitingly took my notepad and pencil to draft my request note.

Dear God,
I have been a good boy through out last year and I request you to bless me with a red colour bycycle on this birthday.
anil john

The letter couldn't make me smile because I knew that the letter is really not going to fetch me my birthday present. I knew I wasn't a good boy as my younger brother. I was a brat, disobedient and a troublesome character to each and everyone around me.

With a sad sigh, I tore off the letter and started afresh;

Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good boy like sunu, but yeah, I was ok.
I request you to bless me with a red bycycle this birthday.
Please grant.
anil john

Grieved still, I knew even the word ok in the redrafted letter won't let the Lord be merciful to me. With a deep apologetic grief , I tore the letter off and switched off the study lamp and slowly came out of my room to seek my mom.

Slowly and disappointed of my own self, I held mom's arms and said with tears in my eyes that I think I want to go to church all alone. Mom smiled and was contented that her trick worked and now anu will surely ask for forgiveness and will behave like a good boy for the years to come. Now she can have really have a break from his nuisances and the neighbourhood and school complaints.

A few minutes later, I was walking all alone towards the church, I walked in and went near the altar. I went on knees and made sure that noone was watching me going on knees; noone around, it was pin-drop silence and there was so much of peace and tranquility out there; I took the small idol of mother Mary from the altar and slipped it inside my tshirt and ran out of the church.

I kept running breathlessly and rushed towards my home and then my room,
and my study table,

Dear God,
I know that I have'nt been a good boy at all in the last year and I really can't do anything about what I have done but I really need a red bicycle on this birthday. You better gift it to me without fail as I have kidnapped your mother now.
with apologies,
anil john

Thursday, August 14, 2008

My confession

I want to share a deep dark confession with you that i have never shared with anyone, not even my parents. Its an incident that made me what I am today. It turned me from a gentle boy into a warm- blooded adult.

I don't exactly remember the events that transpired on that night as I was only 12 years old, when a haunting incidence changed my life. But i will l try my best to stick to the details of that incidence.

It was a sultry night.

My family was travelling from Madurai to Banglore on a bus trip. We were returning back to our home in Bangalore after spending a week of holidays, visiting different beautiful temples of southern India including Kanyakumari.

As we headed the bus from Madurai, we found the bus already crowded with passengers.There were only limited seats in the bus so my father asked me to sit with a south indian guy, who was sitting near the window, near the back exit door of the bus.

The environ of the bus was gloomy, with only two bulbs flickering in the front part and at the back of the bus. Most of the people were in a deep slumber, their head tilted towards the window of the bus, or on the shoulders of their near and dear ones abutted close to them.

My family grabbed a seat at the front of the bus and left me with the south indian guy sitting at the back of the bus. I sat on his lap and the guy smiled at me as I gazed at him with my innocent face.

I don't remember the exact face of the guy but the guy was dark faced and a white cloth was girdled around his forehead. He wore a blue shirt and a Mundu ( a kind of dhoti for the south indian people) covering his navel area and private parts. Black hairs on his legs glistened in the light golden hue of the light in the bus, a feature that my eyes didn't forget to notice in the commotion.
I slept on the lap of the guy very soon as the billowing air from the nearby window induced sleep in my already heavy eyes that had not slept the whole day, engaged in seeing the medvial marvels of architecture of the temples, built by the south indian rulers of the country. My hair blew in the gale coming from the nearby window and I suddenly found myself drowned in a sweat dream.

But i had just made myself ready to sleep when i suddenly felt a hand slithering in my pants like a caterpillar, a creature that i often used to run on my hands in my childhood, by picking it from mud. I felt a sensation in my navel area and soon felt a hand caressing my organ.

The motion of hands of the south Indian guy was gentle initially. I felt a sudden pleasure aroused in my body so i didn't resist the indecent activity of the guy. I had never experienced such a divine pleasure in my life before.

The motion of hands of the man increased with the passage of time and so did the intensity of my pleasure. My heartbeats increased and the grip of my hands, on the dilapidated seat of the bus became strong with passage of time

Soon a shot of fluid wetted my pants and the south indian guy removed his hands from my pants. He smiled at me and soon after sometime, looking out of the window, closed his eyes.

On that night I could not sleep well. I didn't remember what i thought but I gazed out of the window like a maniac. Like a person transported into an alien world from the planet earth. My senses only returned when i woke up the next morning.

When i opened my eyes i saw myself sleeping in the lap of my father and soon after a cursory glance around the bus, i found that the south indian guy was gone from the bus.

I gazed at my father with my forlorn eyes.

That incidence changed certain habits in me that was not expected from a boy of my age. The outflow of certain fluids from my body increased as i grew up, and features like moutasche and beard soon appeared on my face as compared to the other boys of my school.

I turned into an introvert boy, who enjoyed being in solitude. The crowd of people around me soon began to scare me, reminding me of an unknown person.

I don't know if i am overreacting about the incidence but I know, my life would have been different from now if my father would have not asked me to sit with a stranger on the back seat of that bus, on that sultry night.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Way to go!

'Rajiv! Will you help me a bit?' I called out from the kitchen. There was no reply. Craning my neck, I peeped out through the door. He was standing there in the lobby but not listening. He seemed to be concentrating on something in the bedroom. I went out to find out.

Nishi was getting up from the bed. Her nightgown had gone up. Her long lovely legs were in full view. She didn't know someone was watching her. Then she stretched herself, her arms above her head. And the gown tightened against her body revealing her voluptuous curves. A completely lost Rajiv looked on.

Something broke inside me. We were married just an year earlier. How could someone get disillusioned just in a year! Holding my tears back, I came back to the kitchen. Rajiv never knew I had stood there behind him.

Then I heard him moving to the bedroom. There were whispers...a suppressed laugh and silence. 'what was going on?' my storming mind tried to guess. I couldn't hold myself anymore and rushed to the bedroom. What I saw there stunned me.

Nishi, all smiling, was sitting on the edge of the bed, her gown raised to the knees. Rajiv sat on the floor, massaging her foot and sneaking a look at her body. I could see lust oozing out of him.

Seeing me there, both stood up with a jerk. Rajiv almost hid his face. 'She had a leg cramp..told me to help her,' he spoke in a hollow voice. 'Oh!' was all I could say. 'Nishi, will you come to the kitchen and help me?' I added on second thought.

'Oh, didi, please spare me,' Nishi acted like a child. 'I have come for just a week. Let me relax, will you please?'

'Fine, then get ready for the breakfast,' I gave her a stern look and returned to the kitchen.

All day, I kept thinking for a solution.

The night fell. 'How is your Tanjore painting going on?' Rajiv asked me. 'I am going to spend a good 2 hours on it, today,' I announced, 'You please go and sleep. I'll join later.'

'No problem,' Rajiv jumped at this. 'I am having a mild headache too. Will you please see that I am not disturbed?' he said. I could see ideas going through his mind.

'No problem' I said and turned my head away.

There was darkness in the bedroom. The door opened slowly. 'Who's it?' Rajiv asked. 'Jiju! Could I apply balm to your forehead? Didi told me you are having a headache' a whisper rose from the darkness. 'Yes, sit here, by my side,' Rajiv touched Nishi's gown. Next moment, fingers ran over his a slow stimulating motion....

Then there was a storm in the room. Some power overtook Rajiv. He lost control over himself. He pulled her to the bed, clothes flung high and they rolled over and over....

A spent Rajiv lay on the bed. 'It was terrific,' he spoke in a satisfying voice. 'Nishi, you are great! Your sis is no where near you...'.

Suddenly the light in the room was switched on blinding Rajiv. 'It is me, Rajiv, not Nishi...I locked her in a room and wore her gown!'

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Trying to find Mr Big

Confessions, as they are, are masala-filled, long and lengthy. They run a whole night when girls sit together. This is as short as mine can be. Don't even think about saying, "Why. So. Spoony?"

Most times in life, I get into a quagmire trying to understand who the right Mr.Big is. It all started 5 years ago and I feel like it's just ending because I am either running away from everything or taking great control of my life.

My best friend in junior college, in India (let's call him X) had a crush on someone else, while I was head over heels in 'love' with him. We did all the teenagery stuff - hours on the phone, got warnings from each other's parents, telephone-booth calls and what-not. I moved to the US for my undergrad and decided to get over him, since he was stuck on his crush and I was on the verge of naming it 'platonic'. The distance helped a great deal.

In the one year I was trying to get over him, I made another great friend (let's call him Y). In the US were all away from home, all finding comfort in relating to each other and our South-Asian ways. Y had just broken off with another girl back home, so he was rebounding and started seeing a mutual friend. It was then that I realized I could be 'jealous'. It was déjà vu - seeing X and his crush and now - Y and his girlfriend.

I just wanted to run away from everything, the usual questioning 'why me? why always?'. I cut myself off from everyone for a while, and learned later that Y broke up with his girlfriend (two or three times), and he was finally done and much tormented because of something bad she said while ending it all. He apologized to me for not keeping in touch and taking me for granted so I was around happily inflicting myself while he was rebounding (again!).

That was end of year one at the university.

Then came summer, and I got back home and I was relieved to find myself talking at lengths, to X about Y. I just couldn't stop. It was comforting to know I managed to put my untold history with X, behind me.

I got back to the university and realized the rebounding was (obviously) false happiness I was indulging in, and back to sailing the boats of unrequited love, I maintained my distance from Y. He was caught up in the backwaters of the previous badly-ended relationship.

Then came winter.

Y and I started going out. Tada! (guess the time off didn't do much for me)
Now this relationship lasted a year and a half. With 3 months of his boyfriend-weirdness (you know defensive walls, intimacy issues, what not). 2 break-ups and make-ups. 6 months of long distance. 4 months of grey-area (friends with benefits?!). Lots of great sex too, did I mention? I wonder how much of that means love though.

Oh the cherry on the cake - a 'proposal' from X. I told the X about the sex (he asked) and I think he freaked out about how far I went with Y and confessed. How it happened - In the 6 months of long distance, there was a summer when X was in a foreign land doing an internship, we resumed our hours of phone calls (this time long distance) and X discovered a whole range of hormonal imbalances dedicated to me and only me. Such is the irony of my life. That when I couldn't feel for him he got into the 'I want a girl now' mode. Boys, at this time of their lives, are like European trains with automatic doors that shut and never open once you miss them.Life does seem like a set of chances and opportunities that you sooo have to grab at the right time.

I was too scared to do anything long distance considering how much I still loved X's and my platonic love. If I did end up meeting him any time soon, I didn't want the non-existence of chemistry to hamper our intimacy or our unique telepathic tendencies. Over all that, I was already in much 'lurve' with Y. (lurve and not love, because it was just that twisted). Y had all sorts of commitment issues. What we had, was as casual to him as it was serious to me. He also confessed he had promiscuous addictions. That was the last straw.

After hurting X a great deal with my 'no' and wanting happiness at the same time, I broke it off with Y.

Remember Irony. Yes, it showed up in my life again.

X met a great girl through a common friend and they had that soul-mate-ish instant-chai type connection.One week after I broke up.

It's been 8 months now, since X has been happy and haughty. I finally decided to act on my "I don't want to be hung up on some stupid boy" resolution. (I stopped talking to Y recently.)

I am going to meet X in Europe this winter. He was always my best travel buddy. I have moved on but I am still totally denying my self-destructive tendencies.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Unrequited love?

I got in touch with a colleague of mine who flirted with me 100 times and I too responded in the same way, and somewhere in the back of my mind and heart I lost control. Subconsciously I started loving her - I gave her flowers on valentines day, gave her gifts, wished on all special days of her. I gave up alcohol just for her.

Then came the day she broke the big news - she was engaged already to someone else and all this to her was just fun. I knew it was fun but subconsciously I lost control, maybe this is love I wondered, I asked myself 1000 times what love is...I still dont know.

I cried like a baby, covering myself with a blanket so that no-one knew and I still couldn't belive I was so badly hurt that I cried...but i dont regret any of this, its all part of life.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

My confession

I had always wondered about the intricacies of nature. And as far as I can remember, my questioning mind always sought answers to many queries… queries that left me in doubt of my sexuality. Even as a schoolgirl, I realised that I was more attracted to my best friend than to the other guys. Even though later in life, I was involved in a seemingly normal relationship with a man, I was simultaneously attracted to another friend who also reciprocated my feelings. It was then that I serioisly started thinking about my feelings.

Now, caught in an unhappy marriage but for reasons that are not related to my orientation, I've felt myself being drawn to my female colleague. We share a beautiful relationship and a very good understanding about a lot of things even though there's quite a big age gap. I don't know if she understands my feelings and it does seem wrong. But there have been times when I've found myself wanting to hold her close and kiss her tenderly. Am I going mad? And why does life have to be so complicated?