Monday, July 28, 2008

The Problem

Maybe it is a simple problem and as usual I’m seeing a teeny-weeny insect through a magnifying glass. But, there is a guy- one smart, sharp, ambitious, fairly decent looking guy. So far, so good. He’s also lethally practical and got one of those chillingly, amazingly clear minds with a temper and tongue to match. We are as alike as red and white and it need hardly be said that the next part follows as well.

Fights. Lots of them- it starts small, rakes in generously all its past avatars and boom. No talking for a while- I read Jhumpa Lahiri in the meantime; console myself that boys are straying assholes anyway, lots of relationships are doomed from the start, it is OK to be single etc. but one phone call (quite shamefully, even a missed call) and I end up forgiving him so completely. All those vows of doing different things (yes, even things differently) down in Mumbai’s sewers mixed with muddy water. I love him, but I say it so often it sounds hollow. I become pathetically pitiable when he says stuff in anger and then says he doesn’t mean them.

I look for the tiniest signs in those terse remarks he makes that he likes and cares for me- that there is some connection beyond the very strong physical attraction between us (both of us can’t keep our hands off each other in private and it has been enjoyable, though few and far between)

So, is this that all-overpowering love -that one side of me mocks at, while the other tells me to relentlessly pursue in the hope that it will work out in the end? Am I dramatizing what I must accept can never take off or am I painting a one-sided, victim centric picture of the whole thing? What else can I do, beyond the most obvious, yet vague ‘get a life’ ? I don’t know. Loser, u dare say?


Sam said...

I knw exactly what you are gng through.. been through the same..
the truth is..
after a certain tolerance will wear ouit and you'll burst.. reached dat stretch.. dunno how it works out after that.. wil let u knw though!!

N said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
N said...

'Victim' is something you cannot be, you chose it yourself but as much as you hate it, you love the empathy you get from people. It gets addictive in time. Hate, love and insecurity mixed together is the only bond that is still keeping it going. I could give you examples, I could swap stories with you, but that would not help you in any way.

You need to be a masochist and purge him from your thoughts. I know it requires a lot cause you are not sure if you would meet someone else in your life or that you have fished beyond your waters to get someone as good as him (you feel it when your friends say he is really good). It will never be easy to forget him and you would keep going back especially when you see him accept the change so easily. Look at the brighter side, you would still have stories to tell and it gives you the chance to wallow in self pity at your miserable life, get the final dose of empathy from your friends. When you do meet someone else you would surprise yourself on how clear you are and how practical you can be. Its then you realise “it was never love, but you don’t need it anymore".

eM said...

everyone needs someone like this in their lives, if only to write reams of prose or poetry about. i've had one such boy--hell, i've had many such boys--but when the good boys come (and they do!) it makes you grateful for all the things they offer, the CERTAINITY that makes life awesome.

Bits said...

i dont believe in the term "victim" we learn a lot from such ppl.... we are getting a chnaces to re-evaluate out feelings and making up our mind abt what we want and dont!! and it should be stern.... shifting between boats isnt gng to help any situation... every situation has an end.... unless u keep dragging it to get sympathisers liek as in the ekta kapoor 'K' soaps...!!!

Mith said...

omg...this is like the story of my life!!! except i'm no longer in touch with the guy...its for the best